Mid-to-late August is my least favorite time of year. It’s still hot as piss, football hasn’t started yet but they still torture us with preseason, and students go back to school. As a grad student, I stay on campus year-round since summer is the best time to get work done without being annoyed by responsibilities of taking/teaching class. Just when I get used to a deserted college town during Summer semester and start to enjoy it, they have to come back and ruin things.
My IQ has dropped about 20 points since school has started back because I have been inundated with stupidity-inducing conversations. It’s partly my own damn fault for eavesdropping, but for some reason, stupidity and voice loudness are pretty highly correlated so I can’t help it. It’s like taking Bob Smash (page coming soon) and giving that loud fucker a lobotomy.
So now I’ll share with you the things that make me lose all hope that college makes people less stupid:
Random chick: “Oh my God, professor, I’m so glad to be taking your class. I’m taking Calculus and Physics and your class is so easy!”
The professor this girl was talking to happened to correct her and say “It shouldn’t be easy, it should be challenging and informative” or something to that effect that will tide him over until he gets back to his office and drinks a whole bottle of whiskey to fit in a bit better with his retarded students. If this bimbo said something like that to me, I would take it as a cue that the class is a joke. If someone is stupid enough to tell an instructor that a class is easy, and honestly feels that way about the class, then it is way too fucking easy. I’d ramp it up to make sure that she fails and takes lots of innocent people with her.
Random dude: “So yeah, he’s re-enrolled for this Fall. He had to sit out a year since he was put on academic probation and suspension already.”
My school graduates football players that are barely literate, hundreds of mouth-breathers who spend 4 years getting degrees that have no function in the real world, tons of people who think going to class is optional, a few hundred that can outdrink me and still go to class the next day, and hordes of Democrats, but there is actually somebody out there who is too stupid to get through? Warning is strike 1, probation is strike 2, and suspension is strike 3, and regardless of whether sitting out for a year is strike 4, if you can’t hack it in a college that will graduate just about anybody, you should go play in traffic, work a fast food job, or just go straight to welfare.
Me: “My band plays Anthrax, System of a Down, Shinedown, Misfits, Chevelle, and Weezer, as well as originals.”
Random chick: “……I like Korn.”
I was speechless after this conversation. I was so overcome by this girl’s complete lack of musical knowledge that she would lump Korn in with bands that SOUND NOTHING LIKE THEM AT ALL, that I couldn’t even fathom the strength to get up, walk somewhere else, and beat myself in the head with a baseball bat to get that experience out of my head.
Frat boy: “PLAY SOME GOOD MUSIC!”
This was said in the middle of a show over this past weekend, where the band played originals that you would commonly hear at a college bar. They were pretty much a jam band, which isn’t my style, but I’m still going to be respectful enough to either sit there and shut up, or leave if I’m not having a good time. I guess the frat boy, being used to getting whatever he wants when he wants, didn’t really care that he did nothing to combat the spoiled brat stereotype. If that was me up on stage, I’d have fun getting the frat boy’s hopes up that I will play some Dave Matthews but end up jamming some Slayer down his throat before I shove a drumstick up his ass and then beat him to death with my bass while telling him “HERE’S YOUR GOOD MUSIC LOL!”
Random girl on a cell phone trying to open the door of a dark church: “Where are you guys at? Okay I’m on my way.”
Who the fuck meets at a church at 11pm on a Thursday night? I’m sure there are churches out there that do some sort of social activity possibly, but this girl was dressed like a skank and ready to party, and she somehow ends up at a church? Somebody is not very good with directions and is even shorter on common sense.
Girl (I’m starting to notice a pattern that there are more loud, stupid girls than guys): “I don’t know whether to get a salad or a wrap.”
This piece of work actually lamented over this fact for like 2 minutes, which isn’t a very long time unless you’re standing in line at lunch, and there are 10 people behind you including a very hungry rant writer. You don’t know whether to wrap your salad in a tortilla shell? Do you not realize that you could order a wrap and then ditch the tortilla if you change your mind? How in the hell do you put on clothes and find your way to campus every day?
And the finale:
Random girl: “Sushi? Ewww, how can you eat that?”
I insert a piece into my mouth, chew, and swallow. Dumb bitch.