Chuck Norris hasn't been badass since the 80's.
A couple years back, there started to be this cult movement about bragging how badass Chuck Norris is. Radio DJ's, rant pages, Myspace profiles, Warcraft pansies, and SpikeTV all would have you believe that Chuck Norris is the baddest man on the planet by coming up with "Chuck Norris Facts" that may or may not be original. The facts themselves are pretty good, but I refuse to link them because of the absurdity of the whole concept.
In the 70's and 80's, I would concur that Chuck Norris was the baddest man on the planet. But it amazes me that over 20 years past his prime, at the ripe young age of 66, people all of a sudden start worshipping him as the end-all be-all of badassery. Sorry, I don't think that a Warcraft nerd or a Myspace troll is any kind of authority on what is badass. If anything, the fact that fat Warcraft nerds think Chuck Norris is so awesome completely negates whatever badassness he has left.
"But you don't get it. The Chuck Norris facts are satire." Oh I get it. It's just that the joke came 20 years too late. The man is damn near geriatric and all of a sudden people are saying shit like "Chuck Norris once turned a bunch of hippies into Republicans by looking at them." Why couldn't they have done this 20 years ago? Or do something similar with a modern-day badass like myself? See, I can do this too.
"The Nonz doesn't walk, he wills the earth to spin to get him where he wants to be."
"The Nonz doesn't run in one direction for very long, otherwise he would travel through time."
"The Nonz procreates by mentally having sex with hot cheerleaders, but the fetus is so badass that it punches through the womb and ends up killing everyone in a one mile radius including itself."
"Pictures of The Nonz are all that are needed to scare your bratty kids into submission."
"Nachos were invented solely to satisfy The Nonz's hunger."
"The Nonz is not a Maddox ripoff. Maddox had a vision of a badass writing rants and wanted to prepare the world for Nonz's awesomeness."
"Abraham Lincoln is on the 5 dollar bill because The Nonz allows it."
I don't blame Chuck Norris for this fad, because he didn't come up with this shit. I blame the net nerds that have nothing better to do than fawn at somebody who was badass before they were even born, and I blame people who perpetuate the joke in order to be trendy. You're not hip, you're not funny, you're just retarded. Get a better joke.
I'd better get out of here before Chuck Norris telepathically assassinates me…