Columbus, GA’s win of the U.S./World championship in the Little League World series has caused a swelling of pride and a town-wide celebration, but I’m here to pop that swelling and turn the celebration into a homage of me.
Nobody in Columbus has ever succeeded at anything relevant. Except for one person. Me. I went to high school there once upon a time, and although it may take the town another 20 years to realize my greatness much like it has taken them 20 years to get a Chili’s, the whole town will realize that they made a mistake in driving me to move away those many years ago.
Why is my greatness not realized? After I got my bachelor’s degree and before I started my doctoral studies, I ran into an old classmate at a bar down there. She didn’t ask what I was doing for a living or anything relevant. Her first question was do I have any kids. The second was if I was yet married. The third was if I even had a girlfriend. The answer to all three were no, and she gave me this look like I was some herpes-infected bum. Nevermind the fact that I have enough education and job experience to go make a fortune working, or that I aspire to be Dr. Nonz Arelli, because I was not “settled down” at 24, I was a failure. Yeah, getting married right out of high school at 18 or 19 and/or popping out kids immediately is a recipe for success, especially the divorce at 25 and the fun adventure of single parenthood. If you are lucky enough to meet your soulmate while you are a teenager, then go for it, but it amazes me how many people have never been in a bar fight, car crash, or Nevada whorehouse, but will walk down the aisle to someone who is equally inexperienced.
Now I’ll go ahead and debunk other Columbus success stories since obviously being a young, educated jetsetter is not good enough.
Frank Thomas, DH, Oakland Athletics. There is no such thing as a great DH. The DH rule is retarded because anybody can play first base, and the corner outfield positions are not that difficult. If you play the field, you should hit, and vice versa. The fact that Frank Thomas struggles at a no-brainer position such as first base shows that he’s not that good of an athlete. If I were as huge as he was, I’d hit a bunch of home runs and sit on my ass for 95% of the game too.
Tim Hudson, SP, Atlanta Braves. The Braves trade half their farm system to Oakland for this pitcher, and he rewards them with a 14-9 record and 3.52 ERA last year, which is pretty good. This year, the crappiness of Columbus has finally emanated and caught up with him, as he has returned with a mortal performance of 10-10 with a 4.82 ERA. How can you go from the DH-humping American League to the pitcher-has-to-hit National League and fall apart so easily?
R&B singer Joe. That’s his name, Joe. No last name. Not even a cool first name like Xzibit or Fitty. He had radio play in Columbus for a while, but nobody else anywhere has ever heard of him. Newsflash: signing a record deal with the bigs does not make you a star. It means somebody was dumb enough to give you a lot of money, and the music industry is full of those people.
The invention of Coca-Cola. Supposedly Coke was invented in some house on Broadway in Columbus back in the 1890’s or something. The story has so many holes in it that nobody outside of Columbus will recognize the town as the birthplace of Coke. The only believable part is that the inventor took the recipe and moved to Atlanta to become successful, which is a smart move.
AFLAC. Yes, the insurance company that pays you money to not work, whose commercials feature a very cookable duck, is headquartered in Columbus. There are people and companies dumb enough to put money into an insurance fund that only pays out when you have an injury that does not allow you to work, which seems to mimic Social Security and Disability pay. The idea for this type of insurance policy did not originate in Columbus, but the founders wanted to set up shop where land was cheap and they could be the big dogs in a town where mediocrity is the norm. I can’t really debunk them because now that I think about it, locating in Columbus was a pretty good idea as they can pretty much do whatever they want.
So between Little League, a couple of athletes, the invention of a great cola, and an insurance company, I am still the greatest thing to ever take a dump in Columbus. I win.