Awesome tips for dating, part 1.
You may get lucky at the local laundromat, grocery store, trailer park, strip club, or whorehouse and go home with a phone number. The phone number may even turn out to be real, and she may even answer it and remember who you are. She might laugh at your jokes and feign enough interest in your life that you may feel compelled to ask her on a date. And sure, you could go on this date blindly and just leave everything to chance and chemistry, but your chances of success will greatly increase if you follow my awesome tips for dating.
Do show proper etiquette becoming of a gentleman.
Good etiquette serves two purposes. If you happen to have one of the few women left that are awesome and worth pursuing, you'll make a positive impression and win her heart, blah blah blah. The other purpose is that being a gentleman will enable you to get close enough to her to pwn her pretty good if she happens to be a bitch. I refer to these actions as bitch moves, and I stress that you should only do these moves at the point you realize that she's not even worth a blowjob later that night.
For example, when you hold the door open for her, this allows the perfect opportunity to stick out half of your foot (so it doesn't look completely intentional). She'll walk through the door, either amazed that some guy is lame enough to open a door for her, or so self-absorbed in her shallowness, but her attention will be elsewhere so that she trips over your foot, at which point you could make fun of her for wearing high heels and insinuate that she's a clumsy oaf.
Inside the restaurant, try to get a table for two, as she will think that you are trying to be romantic, but really this next trick won't work with a booth-style table. Show some hustle and pull out her chair before she has a chance to sit down. This takes a little finesse, but you want to pull it out enough for her to sit down, and then real quickly pull it out another 6-12 inches so that her ass bounces off the edge of the chair and lands on the ground. At which point, you could say that her ass wasn't as big as you thought.
And the best one of all is the free meal trick. Many women don't realize that men do not want to be seen with your purse in public while you go do something else, but this will not stop them from asking men to watch their purse while they go to the restroom. At this point you'll turn in to James Bond, or Veronica Mars, whichever spy you idolize, and you'll need to quickly go through her purse, find her pocketbook, and find her credit/debit card, and slip it into your wallet. Bonus points if you have the time and wherewithal to slip a used condom into her purse. When she gets back, you enjoy your meals, and then offer to pay for it with your credit card. Most women won't want to pick up the check, so they will likely look away and never realize that your card looks just like hers. Slip the card into the leather wallet thingy the waiter gives you, fill in a big tip, and then hand the card back to your date and say "Thanks, it's so rare when a woman pays for dinner!"
Don't support her skanky habits.
It's bad enough that men are expected to clean their vehicles, pay for gas, buy flowers, pay for dinner, pay for drinks, pay for the movie and whatever snacks she may want, and then drive home alone. But some women have the audacity to ask men to pay for other items on top of the above things. Even though a date will not guarantee you sex, doing the following things will guarantee sex….for some other guy.
If you buy her cigarettes, she'll smoke them after she bangs some other guy. If you give her gas money or buy her a gas card, she'll use it to transport herself to bang some other guy. If you buy her diapers for her kid, she'll drop them off at her mom's house where her kid is, and then go off and bang some other guy. If she's a total skank, find a VFW bar in the middle of nowhere, tell her they have jello shooters in there, and just leave her to fend for herself and/or have the time of her life.
Do talk about your feelings.
Don't be afraid to tell your date that you feel hungry. You may feel tired, or horny, and her response to your feelings will determine the value of the relationship going forward. If you inform your date of your needs, and she continues to blather on about her abusive x-husband, leave her at the sports bar before she dumps her kid off on you so she can go bang some meth-head.
Don't talk about your internet goings-on.
Don't get me wrong, a nominal presence on Myspace, Facebook, or Livejournal will show a woman that you're not socially retarded (though I may disagree). However, rant sites and discussion boards should be left to drunken online discussions with other guys instead of drunken real-life discussions with the female gender. Rant-sites may indeed be awesome websites to read, and some women may leave your site with wet panties, but nobody wants to be a target of a future rant. All the assurance in the world that the women in your rants are worthless bitches who are well-deserving of ridicule won't convince her that you won't find fault with her in the future.
Discussion boards are even worse to talk about on a date. She may remember the names of the discussion boards you frequent and check them out later. She will be disturbed by the amount of time you spend arguing with 14-year-olds from Australia, and losing.
That's it for now kiddies. Check back next week as I give you even more tips for dating, such as how vegetables can win a women's heart, and what you should say in response to seeing shitty movies.
I'm gonna call my baby momma. I'm out of here.