Awesome tips for dating, part 2.
Last week I gave you jabronis some advice on what you should and shouldn't do on dates. If you've done well with my first-date advice, I have some even better nuggets to use on second and subsequent dates.
Do know how to make a salad.
It's a sad fact of life, but most women do not have the same preferences in food that manly men do. Women tend to avoid big juicy bloody steaks, or if they do order steaks, they'll get a 4 oz. filet mignon that costs about 30 bucks. For that amount of money you should be able to buy enough frozen steak to feed the trailer park. Fuck filet mignons. Also, most women cry at even the scent of spicy food, so insanely hot wings drenched in Tabasco sauce are not a good idea. And then the best food of all, nachos, are typically safe, but women don't have huge appetites and will eat two or three chips and give up on trying to finish off the rest, thus pissing off the man for paying $9.95 for an order of nachos and having to shove the pile of nachos into a to-go box only for them to get cold and become inedible no matter what you do.
You'll have to bite the bullet and learn about salads. You don't have to eat them every day, or even every month, but just enough to make it look like you won't die of heart failure at 30 from eating so much cholesterol. Luckily for us, there are a few ways to make salads less bogus. Adding grilled chicken, fried chicken, eggs, or salmon are a few possible ideas so that you're not stuck eating just lettuce and carrots.
What will really impress your date though is the ability to make the Salad of Awesomeness. First, get one of those pre-packaged salads from the grocery store that has the lettuce mixed in with a few veggies like radishes and carrots, because no woman is worth any man ever having to shred lettuce by hand. This ranks right up there with holding a purse while she goes to the ladies' room. Anyway, while you're at the grocery store, go to the salad bar looking thing and get those green olives that are soaking in what looks like olive oil with red peppers in it. These spicy green olives will make any salad kick as much ass as Slayer at an emo concert. All you need now are a bag of baby carrots (which are good to snack on when you're constipated), some imitation crab meat, and two or three types of salad dressing. Add the crab meat, olives, baby carrots, and dressing to the prepackaged salad, and you'll look quite sophisticated in your prison-style apartment.
What kind of dressing should you get? 1000 Island is always a good choice, because you can use it to make Reubens the next day, and Reubens are the best sandwiches ever. Russian is versatile enough to be a good alternative to ketchup. Ranch and blue cheese are standard fare at restaurants, but they're too plebeian for a date. Any dressing with vinaigrette in the name will have you undressing your date in no time.
Don't voice unfavorable opinions about movies she wants to see.
Speaking unfavorably about a movie that she wants to see will convey the idea that you think she has horrible taste. If she realizes on her own that a movie sucks after seeing it, then let her come to that conclusion while you hold your tongue. She may want to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer for some reason, even though the Silver Surfer is the gayest supervillain ever. "Ooooh look at me, I'm silver and shiny, I ride a surfboard and I devour planets even though there is no possible way I could eat a planet that is 163245315235 times my size." The popularity of this movie will undoubtedly cause some GI to dress as the Silver Surfer for Halloween, complete with body glitter to satisfy that long-time urge, and brag to his girlfriend about how a mother of three gave them a blowjob.
Do flaunt your superiority over the rest of society.
If you are reading this site, then odds are you're good at something since you haven't evolved out of existence yet. But on the same note, you're not as good at everything as I am, so therefore you should show off your strengths to your date in order to impress her.
For example, I don't like fat people who have gotten fat because of the decisions they've made. I was on a date at a baseball game a while back, and a few rows in front of us were the four fattest people I have ever seen. And maybe it's glandular or hereditary or there's a good reason for their obesity, but the fattest one, who for some reason sat in the middle of the group, had a hankering for some cotton candy. Every time a vendor came by, he'd stand up and block my view of the field, and ask the vendor if he had cotton candy ("Yeah it's right here under this big fucking cooler of beer."). The vendor would say no, and the fatass would ask the vendor to send someone over with cotton candy. After asking 10 vendors to do so, the guy started yelling at vendors and decided to stay standing up until he got his cotton candy. Since I no longer had a view of the game, I walked 100 feet to the concession stand, bought a cotton candy, went back to my seat, and ate it right in front of him. He yelled at me asking where I got it from, and I pointed him in the direction of the concession stand and asked if he was afraid of starving during his journey. This pissed him off, so he waddled his way to my seat. Three innings later, he finally made it and caught his breath. I had finished my cotton candy, and I didn't care any more. But for some reason I decided to pay homage to Pedro Martinez, so as the guy lumbered toward me, I decided not to just sidestep him, and instead grabbed his head and threw him to the ground. He started clutching his chest and saying "9-1-1!", at which point I made an awesome joke about his weight. My date was so impressed that she started taking off her clothes, and the Kiss Cam had managed to find us, so we started banging right then and there. The camera stayed on us the rest of the night as Pantera started playing on the loudspeakers. It was the best prom night ever.
My superiority comes from my awesome ability to tell stories that have nothing to do with my point. Find your superior ability, and show it off, because arrogance is a stronger aphrodisiac than pasting a giant picture of Justin Timberlake to your face.
I'm gonna call the single mom I met at Publix today. I'm out of here.