Don't ask me to do shit.
All throughout my life, people get the impression that I can do things that, in all reality, I'm either terrible at or I have no business doing. They make assumptions on my abilities based on stereotypes, or they make assumptions out of their ass that make no sense whatsoever. My time is valuable, so if you find yourself in a position that you can ask me to do something, you should make it count and minimize the chance that it will piss me off. It's time that I let you all know to save your breath for fertilizing plants instead of asking me to do shit for you that I can't or don't want to do.
"Can you fix my computer?"
I'll admit that I know more about computers than the average person, but this is like saying that the drive-thru cashier at Burger King knows more about running a restaurant than the average joe. I know more than you, but you're better off calling the Geek Squad or your basement-dwelling cousin. I may be pursuing a graduate degree in engineering which requires extensive use of computers, but in all reality I know jack shit. I know how to install Windows, download software, update drivers, burn CD's, write optimization programs and simple VB scripts, and that's it. That's all I've ever needed to know. If you're viewing this website, you'll realize that my HTML skills are horrible, but I don't care. Your dumb ass is reading this, and I don't give a rat's ass about bells and whistles.
"I'm moving this weekend and need a big strong guy like you to lift stuff…"
I have no idea who in the hell correlated height with strength, but they need to be punched in the crotch immediately. Being 6'4" does not mean that I can automatically lift your couch single-handedly. If anything, the little muscle I do have is spread thinner throughout a taller person, thus decreasing my overall strength. Furthermore, in my case, my bones grew faster than my muscles, thus decreasing the flexibility of said muscles, and as a result, the ability to help your rich ass carry your big screen TV across the room. And people ask me all the time to lift heavy shit for them. Heavy lifting sucks ass, unless you are throwing a sassy bitch over your shoulder to get her into the bedroom. I'm too lazy to want to lift anything for anybody unless I'm getting my socks blown as a result.
"I'm moving this weekend and need you to help me get shit from point A to point B…"
It's already been established that heavy lifting sucks, but this question is also stupid because of the car that I've had for the past 4 years. I drive a Hyundai Accent, also known as the smallest fucking car known to man. My knees rest on the top half of the steering wheel. Think of the Simpsons episode where Nelson laughs at a tall guy in a small car, and the lanky fucker gets out of his car and chases Nelson down. My car is as long as I am tall. I take up 40% of the space just by sitting in it. Now that we've established how small my car is, people ask me to move shit all the time and then look stupid when they realize I can fit maybe 2 boxes and a lamp in my car once I get myself squeezed into it.
"Come with me to my church."
I don't know what it is about me that screams "Heathen!", but I get asked this all the time even though I already have a religion that I'm happy with.
"I need you to sing for my band."
Okay, I've never sung for anyone in my life. I don't look like a lead singer. I don't have the personality of one. I don't have the voice of one. And even though I've been playing bass for a year and a half, have played bass publicly about a dozen times (albeit a song or two at a time), and have the rhythm and long fingers of a prototypical bass player, I have had more offers to sing vocals for bands than to play bass for them. I even sing like a bass player, making me an ideal backup vocalist, but lead vocals? What the fuck?
Now that you know what not to ask me, here's what you can request of me which will either utilize my strengths or give me enjoyment.
"Eat some nachos with me."
"Drink this pitcher of beer with me." (Note: Natty Light drinkers will be shot for attempting to poison me)
"Solve this problem for me where I have to go to 8 places to see 12 people and I want to minimize the miles I drive." (I'm just crazy like that.)
"Get up on stage and play bass for us. We'll even move this pesky mic out of your way unless you want to do backup vocals."
"Make fun of me in a way that only you can."
"Can I fix your computer, help you move, or sing in your band since you're not into these things?"
(Women only) "Can I test my blowjob skills on you?"
I must search for more ways to please The Nonz...