Television: The refuge of the dumbed, part 1.

I don't watch much TV due to the lack of unique and interesting concepts for shows, but when I do watch it, nothing gets on my nerves more than examples of the media being idiotic. And media stupidity is everywhere, in commercials, movies, news segments, and even Sportscenter. It typically takes less than 10 minutes for somebody in the media to do or say something stupid to remind me that I am much better off for being in the dark when it comes to television and pop culture in general. Hopefully you television fiends that read this haven't forgotten how to count, because it's countdown time.

#5. The Lebrons. This advertising campaign by Nike features top NBA star Lebron James, split into four personalities all played by him that live in the same house. There's old man Lebron, a Lebron that reminds me of R. Kelly, kid Lebron who looks like a deformed midget, and original Lebron. The commercials themselves are not that bad, although they're a little bit weird. What aggravates me is that ESPN takes this campaign seriously like it's real life. I kid you not, on Sportscenter the other night, the two commentators were going back and forth like "Which Lebron was out on the court tonight?" "Well I would say it was old man Lebron because of his high number of assists and rebounds and his overall wisdom out there." What the fuck? Okay, first of all, the commercial is not real life. There aren't really four Lebrons out there. Second of all, why in the hell are you incorporating a commercial in a sports analysis? Are you assuming that your fans are dumb enough to buy into the campaign to the point that you have to explain your reasoning in terms of fictional characters in a commercial? Finally, old man Lebron? Old people don't play basketball! Assists and rebounds make him an old man? That doesn't even make sense you morons.

#4. Cocaine energy drink. I want to drink this out of spite to those idiots at CNN. They actually dedicated air time to the "controversy" about this energy drink. For the slow and naïve, it does not really contain cocaine. It's supposed to give you an energy rush comparable to a cocaine high, just like Bud Light enables random joes with beer bellies to score with bikini models. It's all hype, but again people take this shit so seriously that there are parents and hippie-type protesters that are up in arms about this shit. (Note: I know that hippies would not typically protest this drink's name, but I refer to all stupid protesters, both conservative and liberal, as hippies.) This drink doesn't glorify the drug culture. We have movies, TV shows, actors, and musicians that do plenty of this already, so why don't you morons go protest TV Guide or your local theater or something? Second, calling the drink Cocaine does not make it Cocaine. Just like if I renamed this site to Crack, and said that readers of this site are "addicted to Crack." The name doesn't mean shit. Find something else to bitch about.

#3. The new, goofy James Bond. I don't know how somebody with a ripped physique, British accent, stylish clothes, and decent looking action sequences can still strike me as a complete goofball. This new James Bond just isn't as suave as the past ones, and one comparison comes to mind whenever I see commercials for the new movie. It's weird because there's no resemblance at all, but the aura of goofiness is a dead match.


Bean….Mr. Bean.


#2. Zaxby's commercials. Talk about incredibly annoying. They try to cover up the blandness and overall shittiness of their food by having random people walk into a pure white room with nothing there but a plate of Zaxby's attempt of food. See, the room is all white to make the "food" stand out, but all you really need to do is take a couple of bites and visit the toilet 3 or 4 times over the next day for it to stand out. But in the commercials, the people start eating it and saying stuff like "oh that's good" and "mmmm" and "makes me wanna dance" but they don't show the people either spitting it out or spending the night on the toilet. The whole time, an annoying whistle is playing in the background. A whistle? Play some real music assholes! Or none at all! And, along with McDonald's and maybe half the fast food places out there, they should redirect that marketing money into research and development to make their food less shitty.

#1. The new Visa Check Card commercial. This commercial pisses me off to no end. It shows some sort of cafeteria type restaurant where hundreds of people are being served at once and it's a fast flow where sodas are flying across the room and people are making webgems to catch them, and everybody is smiling and happy. And the colors are bright and vibrant, but dude, food and drink are not supposed to be those colors. And everybody is paying with their Visa Check Cards instantly (and I guess they don't mind the government tracking their purchases), at which point they leave to undoubtedly listen to Hinder and join AOL. The part that pisses me off the most is some guy who comes traipsing in, gets into the flow where he's getting his food and drink, and looks lost and confused the whole time. At the very end, he pays with cash, and oh no, the flow is disrupted! Everybody crashes into each other, and the cashier gives stupid guy this dirty look, and stupid guy starts looking even dumber. The problem I have with this whole concept is that it promotes the lie that paying with a check card is faster than cash. On what planet? Cash is almost immediate compared to check cards. Check cards require a verification to make sure you have money in the account, as well as photo ID, a PIN number, and/or a signature. Any cashier that is not a complete dolt can make the transaction faster with cash. Cash is easier and faster, no matter what Visa tells you. So don't buy into the hype that you should use your check card to make your life easier, because like every other marketing campaign out there, it's complete bullshit.

Back to find other things to waste our after-tax dollars on...