The best of Eli Roth: Hostel

After having nightmares of the movie Cabin Fever (not from fear, but from how horrible the movie was), I was hesitant to see Hostel even though it looked badass. But Quentin Tarantino put his name on the movie even though it was still made by Eli Roth, so my theory was that Tarantino saw Cabin Fever, took Eli Roth, and bitch-slapped him until he agreed to make a movie that made up for it. The movie starts off with these three guys, one is an asthmatic wuss that you think is the main character, one is a promiscuous Icelander because all Europeans are horny even though I was in Ireland for a week and didn't get as much as a pole polishing, and the other is Jay Hernandez. I actually know this guy and got a picture of him after he spent the holidays eating steaks and scrogging chicks:

Celebrity Jay Hernandez, taken at James's house.

I know he looks like my friend James, but he totally isn't. Nevermind the fact that he's in James's house, wearing his T.J. Duckett jersey, has a goatee, and is missing the arm tattoo, it's really Jay Hernandez and not James.

So the trio start off in Amsterdam, doing what all Americans do in Amsterdam which is smoking pot and nailing hookers, but the asthmatic wuss is afraid to do any of the chicks cuz he's crying about his high school girlfriend. I was about to walk out of the theatre when suddenly someone suggests that they go to Slovakia to nail some hotter, more desperate non-hookers. So they get on a train, and the wuss gets molested by some old guy, but they arrive at the hostel and are rooming with some hot Eastern European girls, who actually shave contrary to most Eastern European women, and from there it just becomes excellent.

I don't want to ruin such a great movie, and it's still out in theaters, so I will just bullet point all of the awesome things in the movie in no particular order.

- A girl who realizes she's ugly and kills herself as a result
- Somebody getting his shit ruined while he's taking a dump
- A guy hiding beneath a pile of bloody body parts
- At least 15 hot naked women walking around, all with beautiful tits
- An army of little kids graphically murdering two skinhead goons in exchange for candy
- Police brutality
- A German getting his shit ruined by a chainsaw
- An eyeball being gouged out and cut off
- Multiple people getting their fingers and toes chopped off
- Multiple snooty Europeans ran over by a Mercedes or two (oh the irony)

The story was written much better, and there was much less irrelevant bullshit than in Cabin Fever. The nudity, blood, and gore was so awesome that I'm inspired to walk up to Maddox, slap him in the face, and tell him that Hostel was better than Dawn of the Dead. He would probably murder me on the spot with his bare hands, but now that I've seen Hostel, I would accept my fate. Eli Roth has completely made up for Cabin Fever. Go see Hostel right now.

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