Back in the days, I was the next Marlboro man. A pack a day, two packs on really stressful days, cigarettes just got me through the rough times and gave me a break when I needed one. And there are just certain times when it's great to smoke a stoge. Just got laid? Have a cigarette so you don't have to talk to her. Drinking beer? Have a cigarette to dull your taste buds so that you can drink Bud Light without realizing how shitty it is. Coworkers annoying you? Go outside, smoke a cigarette, and inadvertently blow smoke in their faces if they follow you to annoy you some more. Getting your dick sucked? Suck on a cigarette so you have an excuse to not look at the bitch.
But four months ago, after a night of heavy drinking, smoking, dart throwing, pool shooting, cop avoiding, boob grabbing, meth-head slapping, and hippie kicking, I came down with some chest pains out of nowhere. Serious ones, like "I've fallen and I can't get up but I'm 25 not 52 so what the fuck?" My awesomeness decreased 83% that day. I'm aware that smoking does harmful shit to your respiratory system, so I figured it would be in my best interest to quit smoking. The world would stop spinning and fling the entire population out into space without my awesomeness to keep everything going, so I quit smoking to save the very people that I hate. You're welcome, assholes.
But all is not right in the world of non-smoking. Sure, I can go up flights of stairs without being winded, I don't spend as much on lighters that inevitably get stolen, and breath mints actually work, but there are some negative side effects to quitting smoking. I go out to bars and clubs, and the stagnant cloud of cigarette smoke is more annoying than the homeless population of San Francisco. Yes, a mixture of thousands of chemicals in a poorly-ventilated environment is worse on my patience than being asked for money by 30 bums a day. I used to laugh at nonsmokers who would whine about the smokiness of bars, but it really is horrible to deal with. The taste of firsthand smoke is bad enough, but the odor of secondhand is especially rancid.
So I can actually taste things now, and I can no longer drink cheap beer to get drunk. Cheap beer tastes like ass, and now I have to spend double the money to get better beer that actually tastes good. People say that nobody drinks beer for the taste, but I don't know anybody who actually enjoys drinking the liquid ass that comes in cans labeled Natural Light. Also in the taste department, kissing a smoker is nasty. It's like kissing an ashtray, which isn't a bad proposition when you're a smoker, but now it's just disgusting. This sucks because it's been statistically proven that women who smoke are more likely to be horny bitches, and my aversion to women that smoke has resulted in less play.
My theory is that women (and men for that matter) who smoke have less money due to a habit that gets surprisingly expensive when you factor in cigarettes, lighters, breath mints, ashtrays, air fresheners, increased medicine to fight diseases that can't be warded off by a weakened immune system, higher dental-related expenses including teeth-whitening, more burn holes in clothing resulting in having to buy new clothes often, having to spend more on laundry since day-old clothes reek to high hell, having to wash the ashes off car exteriors and funk from car interiors more often, and having to wear more makeup or get plastic surgery to hide the wrinkles caused by smoking. Anyways, this results in women having less money and having to rely on guys to buy them drinks. When a woman lets a guy buy her a drink, she has to at least let the guy talk to her, the alcohol lowers her inhibitions, and the guy has a chance to work his slimy magic to get her in bed. Now that I don't go for women that smoke, I have to go for those nonsmoking women who have standards and don't stink, and they don't put out.
So I go out, get shot down by nonsmoking women while spending all my money on non-shitty beer and suffocating under a cloud of secondhand smoke. Fuck you Nicoderm CQ for ruining my weekends.