Don't be a pansy.
Disclaimer: Originally written in 2003. Slight changes made to protect the guilty. Screw the innocent.
Not a week goes by that I hear about some cowardly act of violence occurring. From people's cars being broken into for 75 cents of change in the ashtray, to being mugged at butterknife-point, I just want to tell some people to get out of the gene pool. Partially the victims, but mainly the perps. So what exactly do I define as a pansy? I'll do a top 5 list for you.
5. Anyone who stiffs pizza guys/waiters by giving lots of one-dollar bills and change. It's bad enough that people are so low-class that they don't give a gratuity to people that work for $2.13 an hour. It's even worse when these "customers" pay in a handful of singles or quarters, and by the time you realize you've been stiffed, you're already out of the hood.
4. Actors who convince themselves that they are badasses. This one guy in particular had this reply to the thought of me beating him up for harassing my girlfriend: "I'd like to see him try." Now granted this wasn't said to me. This was said to my girl at the time. People like him will try to say things like that when the person you're talking about is 100 miles away. He's about 5'9, pudgy and out of shape, and a typical "actor" type. I would leave him alone if he said something like "I'm not a fighter" or "I'm above the trash talk." Well, maybe I would still work him over, but since he seems to have accepted the challenge, no mercy would be shown if he ever stumbled onto me in a dark alley.
3. Georgia Tech frat boys in general (fraternity name deleted because the pansies threatened a lawsuit and can actually afford lawyers). The same ones that laid a beatdown to two of my friends. 30 on 2 really is fair, assholes. The sad part is that my boys could probably take on any single one of them, but these frat boys are afraid to travel alone and give the rest of us a bad name.
2. The Green Lexus pansy frat boy. Now this guy is a complete joke. He rides around in a Hillary Clinton-hideous lime-green Lexus with tinted windows, tacky rims, and an after-market spoiler. I don't know why someone would want to make their Lexus look like a Civic, but then again his mommy bought it for him so I guess that made it alright. The one time he pissed me off was when there were two parallel parking spots open by my house, one in front of the other. Common courtesy would dictate that he pull up to take the farthest one so I could pull in, instead of making me parallel park in front of him. God forbid he should show courtesy. He parks in the back spot, gets out of his car, does some lame impression of the people's eyebrow, and then walks towards his house like he just got boned in his Levi's. I get out and yell something towards him, which makes him walk even faster and more effeminately. And let me tell you about the rest of his "posse." They'll attack my house when they think I'm not around. The two times I've been there to witness bottles and other glass being chunked at our house from pansies who can run a 4.3 40, I've stepped outside and punked down 4 and 8 of them respectively. Why is it that frat boys (myself not included since I'm obviously a badass) are the most cowardly people that can be found on a college campus? I figured most hippies would have them beat, but I guess beer and laziness make people go limp.
1. Football Head Fussel and his male orgy-boys. I don't know if I even spelled his name right, but then again he probably can't spell his name either. And he's illiterate, so he won't read this site and threaten a lawsuit. Anyway, this flower used to ride with his friends crammed in the back of a pickup truck, probably performing homoerotic acts with each other such as tickling each other's asses and serenading each other with Dave Matthews songs. They used to yell things at me due to my obvious straightness, but I could never understand them since they have the literacy of toast. I never knew who they were until the smallest, skinniest one of all decided to walk between me and my hot chick friend from the opposite direction. The sad part was that he was walking with a full head of steam, and he almost came to a complete stop upon hitting my shoulder, much like the wrestling move where the guy thrown to the ropes runs into his opponent and is suddenly on his back. Five minutes later he came back to my general area (I guess it took him that long to articulate his next sentence) and said if he ever saw me again he would make me pay. I laughed at his face and never saw him again. About a year later, four of his boys attacked me at Krystal. Or at least tried to attack me. I gave one of them a black eye and kicked another one in the ribs, possibly breaking a couple. The shit was so awesome, it was like a Power Ranger fighting off a group of Putties or whatever the fuck they were called. I would have hospitalized all four, but with red lights flashing, time to retire. One of the Krystal attackers saw me at a gas station a few months later and about shit his pants. He apologized and then took off on his skateboard before I had a chance to smash it. Another year or so later, I encountered two of them again, who only talked shit when surrounded by at least 8 of their friends. And when alone, they had the same constipated look of fear as the original Krystal slob.
So there you have it. If you're not a frat boy or a homosexual resident of Columbus, then your odds of being a pansy are greatly reduced. All that I ask is that if you run your mouth, back it up. I'm not afraid of taking on all of the aforementioned pansies at once. Just keep their dildos away from me.
Back to find another blast from the past for your ass. Hey I could be a rapper. Nonzinem?