My vote for President in 2008.
Even though the election is more than a year away, and the president really doesn't matter for anything important since Congress devises and passes the laws and controls the budget, it's never too early to start thinking about who to vote for in this nationwide beauty contest. The Bob Smash/Nonz Arelli ticket won't be a reality until at least 2016, so there goes that idea. None of the potential candidates do anything for me. They either piss me off or induce me to yawn. Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama. John Edwards. Al Gore. John Kerry. Rudy Giuliani. John McCain. Dick Cheney. And last but not least, Mitt Romney. Mitt? What the fuck kind of name is that?
No, none of these jabronis are getting my vote. Instead, my vote is going to...
That's right, Fred Thompson. He hasn't announced his candidacy yet, but his name is being tossed around. Does he look familiar? You may recognize him as Arthur Branch from the TV show Law & Order. What most of you don't know is that he's self-made, was born into a regular non-billionaire family, has served as a U.S. Senator, is a research fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and has even served as an investigator for Watergate. But those aren't the reasons I'm voting for him. I'm going to vote for him just so the presidency will turn into one giant episode of Law & Order.
The Law & Order theme song would play before he makes a speech, much like entrance music for wrestlers. C-SPAN would have the DOINK DOINK along with the black screen and the white letters at the bottom telling you where and when the following scene is taking place. DOINK DOINK…CONGRESS, JUNE 18, 2009. He would make the Jack McCoy character vice president and have him do all the work while Thompson sits on his ass and gives fairly useless advice in a Southern accent.
Whatever hot female assistant DA that is working for McCoy during that season would become Secretary of State, because if they can be persuasive enough to get answers out of asshole New Yorkers, they can probably convince countries like Iran and North Korea to stop being pricks. Jesse L. Martin, the black detective on the show, would become attorney general, but even with being the top law enforcement guy in the country, he'd still have to report to his boss who has that dinky-ass little office. And they would have to bring Jerry Orbach from the dead, not to fill any particular position, but only to pop up and give those awesome tasteless one-liners about everything going on in the world.
"The insurgency in Iraq is getting worse by the day!"
Orbach: "Must be all the sand in their shorts."
"We can't seem to get anything done about getting rid of frivolous lawsuits…"
Orbach: "Looks like tort reform is stuck in the kitchen."
"Somebody leaked Valerie Plame's identity!"
Orbach: "So much for Mrs. James Bond's career."
"We're not popular in the media at all."
Orbach: "I guess we're not beheading enough journalists."
"Al Sharpton is pushing for reparations for slavery again."
Orbach: "Sounds like my ex-wife."
I could do this all day. Do your patriotic duty and vote for Fred Thompson in 2008, and we can solve each world crisis in an hour with commercials.
Your site sucks. I'm going to go watch CSI.