How to ruin movies properly.

I have a very simple formula on how to ruin movies, regardless of whether you've seen them or not. Take the main character, and tell the prospective moviegoer that they DIE. It's capitalized because you have to emphasize the fact that they DIE, like it's a glorious scene or a really big surprise.

For example, when little kids are about to go see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, I tell them THE LION DIES. I haven't seen the movie and I have no idea if the lion dies, but if the lion does die then people will be pissed. And if the lion doesn't die, then they waste the whole movie thinking I ruined it, but it didn't happen. Then with Aeon Flux: AEON FLUX DIES. I've actually seen that one, and I won't say whether or not she dies, but you get a similar reaction out of people. You can really mess with people's heads when there is more than one main character. Like in Brokeback Mountain, you can say THE GAY COWBOY DIES, because there are two of them.

Speaking of movies, while I was sick in Ireland enjoying the 8 English-speaking channels they have on hotel cable, I watched a Dirty Harry movie. Dirty Harry was before my cognizant time, but holy shit he was a bad motherfucker. He spent the whole movie chasing this serial-killing gimp that looked like the guy from My Chemical Romance.

Gerard Way would be a great serial killer if only he didn't speak French.

At the end, the MCR lead singer lookalike grabbed a random kid and held a gun to the kid's head and was like "If you come any closer, I'll shoot!" So Dirty Harry slowly puts his gun away and you're thinking that Clint Eastwood is going to start crying and picking flowers but then HE SHOOTS THE BAD GUY IN THE SHOULDER ANYWAY! Fuck hostage negotiation, just get Dirty Harry on the case.

Finally, yes there are people in Ireland who talk like Pikies from the movie Snatch. I did hit about ten "I fucking hate Pikies" after attempting dialogue with people that had accents thicker than the Guinness I was constantly drinking.

Back to other worthless political discussion...